you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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