at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
