We're facebook friends in real life
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
