They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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