when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
