I wanna bring you to show and tell
i already hear my dad disowning me
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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