I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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