Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
