There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sext me about skeletons
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
