just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
