Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
