I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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