My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
