i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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