I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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