I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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