be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
is that a dick in a sweater?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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