I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
