I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
