i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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