seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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