just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
