i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
