TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
