Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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