the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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