the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
