I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize