I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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