My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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