I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
