If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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