She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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