I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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