Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
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As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
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I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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