Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
