oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
