Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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