My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Swine flu is the new snow day.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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