I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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