so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
