yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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