She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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