took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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