My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Everclear isn't food dammit
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
