woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
