she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
