the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
