i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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