i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
