if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize