i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
