after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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