i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
