I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
