Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
