Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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