Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
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if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November