I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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