i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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