hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
