You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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