so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
